Lust for life

I didn't realise this for the longest time, but I really got myself stuck. I've been in a precarious position financially for the last few months and I just sort of... stopped. I wasn't going out as much, I wasn't exploring new things, I wasn't even really keeping up with the stuff I like doing. I played loads of video games, because they were free. I went to a few open mics, because they were easy. I worked on some projects here and there, but largely I was spinning my wheels.

Over the last few months, I've been thinking about dying a lot. This sounds morbid, stay with me. I've been thinking about the classic phrase memento mori. Remember, you will die. I never thought about dying, when you're a teenager you think you're going to live forever. I've been incredibly lucky that the majority of my close family are still alive, and I hope it stays that way for a long time. The biggest loss I've had so far was my dog Lucy a few years back. As a result, I haven't had to face death much. But unfortunately it's never very far away.

I'm starting to notice everyone I care about aging. Age-related health issues are creeping in. A few weeks ago someone very dear to me was diagnosed with and subsequently beat cancer. Some months before that another person had (and survived) a heart attack. I don't like it, but I can't change it.

Then I start noticing it in myself, my back aches sometimes. Not uncommon for someone who's 6'4 (btw). I noticed a GREY HAIR in my beard this week. I look around me and my friends are getting married. Some have kids. Some have homes. I've got a really sick computer and a total lack of direction.

Comparison may be the thief of joy but stagnation will kill you.

Good god have I stagnated. I'm not even sure how it happened. It wasn't instant. In fact it's been incredibly gradual. Gradual enough to the point where it's taken me multiple YEARS to notice it.

I'm now taking steps to fix it. I started applying for jobs. CS commentating is great fun, I'm not quitting, but I need to do it on my terms. I need some stability. I found one, good fit, seems like a fun team to work with. I start soon.

I've started walking more. Big walks. I have a route mapped out that guarantees me my 10k steps and then some. The sun is out, I can feel myself coming back. Somewhere along the way I lost track of who I was. I buried myself in a hole somewhere and hid from the world. It's going to take me a while to dig out, but I'm starting to feel purpose again. There's an ember that had been fighting for oxygen but now it's starting to grow.

One of my favourite tweeters recently tweeted this:

Most people I work with have the problem of not noticing How Good They Actually Are, and picking up on it (and thus capturing value from it) much later than those around them, usually after many reflections from others.

Meanwhile, others have been harnessing their brilliance to…

— Isabel🌻 (@isabelunraveled) April 8, 2026

And man you know what? I'm pretty good. I have friends tell me how good some of the stuff I do is, strangers do too sometimes. And I used to think this! At some point in my adolescent to teenage years I used to believe it too. Maybe too much at certain points, but somewhere I stopped. I focused on the negative. I'm gonna be working on not doing that and trying to focus on the positive. /projects is a good start.

Now to be absolutely clear, I'm not cured, I'm not magically the person I want to be, but I can start to see the route for getting there. It feels fucking great.

Update 30/04/2026

I got a job. I also got a new dog, a bit of a fast turnaround, but I saw her up for adoption and I just knew.

My heart is so full. She's such a little ray of sunshine.

I'm very happy.